8 mile Jackass!

Well, it’s been a while I wrote something up, right?

The past month n a half had been the most eventful one for me this year. I don’t know how it all came up, but last month a lot of things just happened, thats all. To begin with, I found out that I wasn’t political at all… which was so clear from my college election ballet paper, which was painted something close to tan(red+blue)…then I found out that most girls are just girls, and nothing beyond that. I somehow ended an on-off relationship with a med student in a pretty vague way, so I just ain’t getting the words to express it. But then I finally figured it out that everyone has a place in this world. and that even I have a place for myself in here. My own niche. Somehow I feared it didn’t exist. But then now I am out of worry ‘coz in the last few months, I’ve learned that my zone does exist, that too in flesh n blood. The people I love are giving me a hard time now tough… I have to cater to everyone… and I didn’t know I had so many 'everyones' to tend to. People are just people. Indifferent, lame, mostly lazy, non-idle and yet so selflessly selfish. So was I told, and so I believed. I care for myself, ( nb: I didn’t use the word “only”)… that was the tag I got from almost anyplace I went to. Well, come on, life’s one big party! after all, we only grow up once. Well, at least that is, if you don’t believe in reincarnations n shit… and even if there exists such things, I want to be born as a fish, a whale, or an eagle, or just a totally stoned las Vegas strip club manager!

And I can’t still believe the fact that a girl i loved n cared for actually fancied me. I’ve always wondered what was going wrong in all my relationships… and now I found out the answer. That very girl, she despised each n everyone of my ex-es and what do you know… she was clearly better, in a way. And I was the dumbfuck who never saw what was in front of me, and went in search for greener patches n holes. And yeah one more thing, my article got itself mysteriously published in the college mag. And I’m getting kinds good reviews as well…

Point is, I still don’t have an idea of where I’ll end up n how. But then I am happy now. And I’ll make sure it stays so. =)

Now playing: Porcupine Tree – Normal

It’s been a year now. And I am a senior (duh!). It’s kinda hard to catch up with life, when it is running away from you, isn’t it? But for what its worth, it pays off. In this quest for lasting bonds n friends who look after you, and keep your bum in the right place, you get to brush with things you never thought you will. Not to mentions the ones that lead to a distance between the best n best of pals. I have a handful of very good friends, and yes, most of them are girls. :|

Out of the lot, two or three stand out as closer ones. They know who I am, what I like, when to get mad at me, when to say, “You are full of shit, you know that!” straight to my face, et cetera et cetera… And there’s this underlying trust we establish between us over the course of time, that binds us even closer. The major point is, we look after each others' back, n are there for each other when one of us get into deep shit (or not!).



But then, in all this crap, things get hard when you knowingly or unknowingly hurt some, or at least one of them real bad. You fail their expectations and screw up big time, and tadah! There’s a fucking brick-wall between us that keeps on increasing its plan width by the minute.But things get totally fucked up when you do it unknowingly, and fail to realize it, until one fine day, you see that person, totally isolated from you. And by that time, it would have been so very late. And it’s when you lose one, do you get to know how important they were to you, and how they played their part in making you what you are. An entity is never an identity until someone else realize it. You can get all narcissistic about it, but what is true…is well…true! :|

College life has shaped itself into a totally different phase of my life. And it is way better than what it used to be last year. The only thing that pains is that there are more judges of talk who claim to be those of character than the reverse. And I guess, we’ll need an I.V. or a trip or something to settle that, hopefully...



Now Playing: Lamb of God - The Passing \m/

Oh well, There was a time I use to think... "What's the worse that could happen?" Just like they did in The Incredibles and just like how the whole thing goes in the film, things get worse n worse. But not now. Atleast for the time being, I guess.

Well, there are times when you wonder about the fact that you are where you are… I mean, come on! Are you even supposed to be here? Searching for a reason to satisfy yourself has come to be so common nowadays, that the only thing people are hanging to is that, a reason, which justifies or tends to justify their stand. But then, for once, get out of that self-entrapping web of yours, and look from the outside, from a neutral’s point of view, and you will find how insignificant significance itself is.

I landed in this college, and why I did it, I made up my own reasons:

• I thought I would never get in through KEEE.
• I was so (over)confident I would crack the AIEEE n get my ass safe n sound into an NIT.
• I was an arrogant shithead, who paid the price.
• I just wanted to be away from home, yet closer.

Yeah, those are the reasons I came up with. But then, now when I look at those things I put forward to console myself n my so-elevated self-esteem, I think, was it worth it after all?

To be, now that I’ve landed I the second best Govt. Engineering College in Kerala, might as well be satisfied by that fact, and just live my life as it opens up to be gradually with full of upsetting yet true surprises, showing you your place in this world. But then, those who know me also know the fact that I am not a person who accepts my own destiny just like that. I love changing it. Maybe, I’m putting myself, or my future, or even worse, my well being at risk… But then I love taking that risk. ‘Coz at the end of the day, I hate being left out, I hate it when I’m not important. And I hate it when I am ignored.

But then, now I am having fun at college, and yeah, it’s totally relative, and its my idea of Fun. With almost the whole class labeling me as the arrogant outta-control chap who really needs therapy sessions, I think I’m pretty enjoying my position. J And on top of that, I have my two dear sisters with me there. I think It’s safe to say I’m living a satisfied life, for now. But then I think I’ll disappear one fine day, get up at a place some 11-12 train hours from here. Til then, I guess I have to be quiet under the radar. :P

Ohkay!, So It's my last day in tvm...again. :-|

Well...

Hmm...

Aah! Now I remember...

Yeah, So I am planning this whole thing for my college this year, now that we have a new HOD n all... aah, forget it! it's just not worth the effort...

but then...

see...see.... If I say more, I'll end up in a dysfunction it seems... :-|

k.. I need a break now...

♫♫ Now Playing: Megadeth- Hanger18 ♫♫

♫♫ Next Up: GnR - Paradise City ♫♫

Ahh. Just two weeks into NOT going to that damn place has its benefits... Nike says I'm less vengeful now, which is absolutely normal, considering the fact that I return home every weekend from college like I'm starving for blood.

Besides the fact that I'm pissed off at each and every one of the 60 something jackasses for not remembering my birthday...(Yeah, its a serious thing here, considering the fact that they remembered every others' while recording em in a register n giving surprise parties to them), while each and almost every one of my dear old buddies called me up or text me that day.

Now you may have all figured out I'm NOT the popular dude at college... I could be :D, but I chose not to be. After all, it's simply not worth it. ;)

Unlike the prejudgment of a college a boy possesses, this college makes it sure you regret even putting it up on that allotment form. And boy, oh boy, I'm sure to get stoned next year by my seniors, if better, my own classmates, for some reason exclusive to Kerala northies which I'm seriously unaware of till now... yep...no clue at all.

First of all I'm total at exact Trivandrumite, I spent most of my first 4 years at Kollam... I hope now you get from where I inherited the slang... and still, if you saw you come from TVM somewhere in North Kerala, you're gone... completely!

It's really puzzles me that people at Kottayam are brought up to think its a metro, even bigger than Mumbai, when it doesn't even have a Corporation!!! It's still a fuckin municipality!

And you people know my nature, I always have an evil eye of finding faults, in the system, in every person, et cetara, et cetara, but the northies just can't stand it.

I was about to kill my older self at the time I started at this shit place, and was successful even, up to an extent at last, but then I thought of the people who were always with me, mom, dad, bro, behnas, everyone... they wanted the real me, and here I was, changing for some pack of losers to get to their good eye! I could have started drinking at any moment I wished to, and then go on to sleep on the football ground like those 5 celebrated beinchoths of the college, but I chose not to. Same goes for smoking. If restraining from that makes me a loser, then I'm better off being one.

Life has hit a lil harder on me, for the past 3 years. Maybe It was because of the reckless boy I was in my younger years. But then that was me.

I'm a person who is affected by people around me. People around me change me, so I do my best to stay away from what I chose not to become. And topped with all that, I have a really really bad temper, I impulsively change into something that even I dont even recognise. So I do my very best to get back home at weekends... even if it kills my wallet.

Still it seems I'll have to go next month or so to pay my fees in advance, and to confirm my admission to 3rd sem, which I'm really not looking forward to.

Sorry, but I just couldnt stop myself from writing this one up.

Ohkay... so since this is my college blog, I'll write up something about it now...finally..

Aah.
So.Paattum melavum thudangatte..!!




FIRST DAY AT COLLEGE
SoCalledCoolDude#1: Hey, My name is XYZ ZY Y, What is your name?
ME: Err... nitin.
SCD#1: jithin?
ME: No, Nitin...
SCD#1: oh, Nidhin.
ME: dude, its nitin, en-aiy-tee-aiy-en!
SCD#1: So, ni-tt-in! My rank is YZZX, What's your rank?
ME: :|

LATER...
Senior#1: Dae, what's your name?
ME: nitin...
S#2: What?
ME: nitin.
S#1: Tell me once more...
ME: nitin sj
S#2: full name asshole!
ME: :| nitin ESZZJAAY....
S#1: @#$%#@

AT THE ARTS FEST...
S#3: Dude, you must take part in all items...
Class: okay...
S#4: And, it is very important for our team Pallavi to win this year...
Class: aha *nods*
S#3: Yeah so will will tell you the list of offstage events now...
*goes on to blab the shit*
S#4: Then there is a program called college?
Class: aha*nods*
ME: wtf?
S#3: It is written c-o-l-l-a-g-e and pronounced KoLLaajj...
ME: oh, collage...
Class: *nods*
S#4: Its basically simple, they give you some magazines, you cut n paste them on a drawing sheet to look naaice..
Class: oh *nods*
ME: :|

HOSTEL...
SCD#2: Yeah, Lets sing rock!
ME: You people listen rock!! *Happy face*
SCD#3: *Comes out in a Black graphic tee, n jeans, complete with a wrist band with the marijuana logo... does the \m/...*
ME: Finally, civilization...!
SCD#2: "It starts with now... In the end it doesn't even matter...."
SCD#3: "....Larger than life! tu tudu tudutudu...hey...."
ME: wtf!!!
SCD#4: *jumps out from nowhere* "Its the Candy shop....!..."
ME: :|

WITH THE GIRLS...
ME: Hi da...
Girl#1: brr...
ME: Hey da Girl#2... Good Morning...
G#2: *looks around, and then gives me a deep stare*
ME: :(

later that day...G#3 who saw the whole incident approaches me when I am about to leave...
G#3: So, whats with the hey DA?
ME: What?
G#3: Why did you call them da earlier..?
ME: Who? *as if I kept a log of hi-s*
G#3: You know, G#1&2 today morning!!
ME: oh that... what of it?
G#3: Why can't you address them with a little respect??
ME: I did no? I spoke in the lowest volume pssible, in the kindest voice, with the nicest smile...
G#3: Still you called them DA!
ME: So, ... since we belong in the same class...
G#3: But its you. You listen Rock, you look strange, and you look as if you are the king of something!
ME: What!
G#3: You must act a lil more "decent"...
ME: What did I do? :o
G#3: Nothing, you wont understand...
ME: :|

another day, I'm standing near the cafeteria, the girls come...they don't see me there.
G#2: I think the tvm freak is into me...
G#1: No I think he is after me...
ME: :O

later... G#3 calls me...
G#3: Why are you after all this girls?? Why can't you be a naicce boy?
ME: Err... what? Who girls?
G#3: And why do you have to go after all of them...?
ME: ... what did I do now?
G#3: You send them Good morning messages, you say hi to them, what is this man? Can't you be decent? like SCD#5 and his gang or something...
ME: :|

note: That time I was recovering from something worse, and girls were of least concern... and SCD#5 and his gang, are a group of sick bastards who are so much into porno that most of em suffer from dysfunction, apart from the beer drinking puking sessions, and the smoking competitions...

yes. there won't be a trip to the jungle for a month. HahHaHHAHAHHHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHA!!! now back to slaughtering mundane beings...

Is it because I loved someone too much? Maybe I don't know what true love is. But then why do I still feel happy when I give up something for her. But then I am always on the losing side. I lost her trust, her love. It pains. You may say it uncool and shit, but this is my life, Mine. Are you suggesting me to move on, and for what? To kill whatever was good in my life? Do you think moving on is possible for me. Yes. I am weak, because I have never felt this for a girl ever. And I stopped my serious blogging for her, but in the end, who lost it all? Me. And with what margin. I cannot just erase everything that is me. Kyunki duniya mey sirf ek hi se pyaar ho jaattha hey, aur usmehi Khudha dikthi hey. Now tell me, what should I do?